Oh my gosh I'm so cliche

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”

I sort of promised myself that I wouldn't use any Perks of Being a Wallflower quotes at the beginning of making this blog.

And gosh, look where I am.  This is a sad day.

But, um, it sort of sums up my life right now.  And I'm really ridiculously scared of change.  Everything was perfect.  And I'm really scared that right now I'm at the top of a roller coaster and if I make the slightest move it's going to come tumbling down to the bottom and I'll land at the bottom in a mess of broken pieces.

That's not how life works though.  It's more like a wheel, really.  Yes, you reach the top and you tumble off, but it catches you at the bottom and pushes you back to the top.  You start all over again.  Life starts all over again.  Sort of like spring, I suppose.  I hate when people leave.  It's the one thing I'm scared of in the entire world, more than anything.  And...people do leave.  It's a fact, like the sky is blue and the grass is green.  People leave.

But hey, I'll be okay.  It's happened before, which sounds really stupid and sad, and maybe it is.  It's the art of learning to bounce back, the chance to learn to fly.  And I think I'm a stronger person because of it. 

Life's pretty pathetic sometimes.  Or maybe it's just me.  But I don't want to sit and wait for people to come to me, because I feel like I'll be waiting my entire life if that happens.  It's MY LIFE, not my life as it depends on other people.  My mom and I were talking about this yesterday, and I was being a bit of a pain because I was complaining about what I said above.   I have a habit of waiting for everyone else.  It's the beginning of summer, the start of a new school year, and I'm going to go out and make my own life, not my life as defined by other people.  You can't rely on other people, I've discovered (heck, that's why I hate group projects so much).  People are nice, but I am my own person with my own life and my own agenda. 

So I'm really scared about tomorrow and Thursday and all the days to follow.  But I also can't just sit there waiting for the other foot to drop. 

I'll be okay.  Life moves on. 

Love, Rachel

Everybody knows there's a party at the end of the world

I don't even know what I'm doing, but I had to write all this down and I hope I can empty my thoughts enough to relax.

The school year is finished, I'm home from the End of the Year Gathering, and I have the ACT tomorrow.  That's been my life for the last two weeks.

So, I finished school.  And people graduated.  It's sort of anticlimactic for people to graduate, since they don't even really leave for another couple of months.  You don't have to say goodbye yet, it's more like this coming stomach ache, like, "they're going to leave soon and you can't do anything about it."  So I was sad...and I also wasn't sad.  It's funny.  I'm going to miss people, but it's like it's not yet time to miss them.  I'll check back in in September and see how I'm doing then.  I might be an emotional wreck, I might be fine, who knows.

But yeah, I'm done with school for the year.  Or at least I'm done with tenth grade.  I'm a junior next year, how scary is that?  I'm looking forward to next year.  I have some amazing classes with some amazing people, that's good.  And I'm making more and better friends slowly and surely, that's nice too.

I feel like I should have blogged sooner, I have so much to say and so little time to say it in.  I've been so busy over these last couple of weeks, and I had one of those "Hmm, guess I'll blog...nah..." kind of feeling.

But on to the End of the Year Gathering.  For anyone who doesn't know, it's a meeting of the kids from my online school, and I love it so much.  It sounds stupid I suppose, but my very best friends live thousands of miles away from me.  We have so much in common, and for five days we have the opportunity to connect in person and actually meet each other after chatting and skyping all year.  It's really exhilarating, at least for me, to try to pack in as much as we can in that time.  From Wednesday through Sunday we took over a hotel in Lancaster, PA, and completely went crazy.  I laughed more that weekend than I think I have all year.  I competed in the talent show, that was fun.  We had movie night and cooked pancakes on a tiny stove with no spatula and hung out at midnight on the kids playground and danced the night away and ate so. much. pizza.  And I don't even know how to say it, but I LOVE these kids that I go to school with.  Every single one of them, even the few that drive me insane.  I want to spend my entire life hanging out with them, just doing nothing and doing everything.  It was amazing.  I met people I had been talking to all year, actually met them, and got to hang out with some old friends.  I loved it.  Oh I loved it. 

I can't wait until next May.

 I have the ACT tomorrow and my birthday in a couple of weeks.  I'll be sixteen, which is pretty big, I must admit.  I'm pretty dang excited.  It's going to be great.  So, love to you all.  I'm starting a new chapter (actually I am, since I'm starting a new novel) in my life.  And it's going to be wonderful.