Stardust People

Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.
And everyone you love is made of stardust,
and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply,
and the night sky is no home,
and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times
That you are down to your last two percent,
But nothing is infinite, not even loss.
 

You are made of the sea and the stars,
and one day you are going to find yourself again.

--Finn Butler

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N

Hi all!

I am going to attempt to summarize the last month of my life in a few short paragraphs.  I have honestly no idea how I am going to do this, but here we go.

• I went to Boston for the fourth of July and it was incredibly fun and I loved it and we spent ten days in New England and nearly died from the heat, but I also went to Maine just so my dad could say he had been to Maine, and it was frankly a fantastic trip.  My dad got us VIP tickets to see the Boston Pops, so we were mere feet away from one of the best orchestras in the country.  It was absolutely fantastic, as were the fireworks afterwards. 
• I helped out with VBS at my church and it was exhausting and I was at church until 11 every night and then got up the next morning to do it again but 15 kids reached the Lord and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  
• I gave up on Nanowrimo because I just didn't have time.  I can't write at night, I literally cannot, or I have a mess of jumbled sentences that don't make sense.  And I've been out of town and again, helping with VBS, and I love my novel and my characters, but this month was not a good month to devote to them. 
• I found out that two of my best friends in the entire world are coming to visit me for an entire week, one from Louisana and one from Vermont next month!  I've been freaking out about it, it's going to be an amazing time. 
• I went down to Florida to see my dad graduate from Valdosta State University!  As of now, he officially a PhD level graduate, I'm so proud of him!  He was the very first one to receive his degree that day, and he was honored on stage, it was amazing.  I look forward to seeing what else the Lord has in store for him.  

So that's been my month.  It's been a good one.  I've gone a lot of places and done a lot of things.  And now I'm back to school.  Time goes fast.

Oh, and I'm sixteen now.  That might be sort of important.  
xx

Oh my gosh I'm so cliche

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”

I sort of promised myself that I wouldn't use any Perks of Being a Wallflower quotes at the beginning of making this blog.

And gosh, look where I am.  This is a sad day.

But, um, it sort of sums up my life right now.  And I'm really ridiculously scared of change.  Everything was perfect.  And I'm really scared that right now I'm at the top of a roller coaster and if I make the slightest move it's going to come tumbling down to the bottom and I'll land at the bottom in a mess of broken pieces.

That's not how life works though.  It's more like a wheel, really.  Yes, you reach the top and you tumble off, but it catches you at the bottom and pushes you back to the top.  You start all over again.  Life starts all over again.  Sort of like spring, I suppose.  I hate when people leave.  It's the one thing I'm scared of in the entire world, more than anything.  And...people do leave.  It's a fact, like the sky is blue and the grass is green.  People leave.

But hey, I'll be okay.  It's happened before, which sounds really stupid and sad, and maybe it is.  It's the art of learning to bounce back, the chance to learn to fly.  And I think I'm a stronger person because of it. 

Life's pretty pathetic sometimes.  Or maybe it's just me.  But I don't want to sit and wait for people to come to me, because I feel like I'll be waiting my entire life if that happens.  It's MY LIFE, not my life as it depends on other people.  My mom and I were talking about this yesterday, and I was being a bit of a pain because I was complaining about what I said above.   I have a habit of waiting for everyone else.  It's the beginning of summer, the start of a new school year, and I'm going to go out and make my own life, not my life as defined by other people.  You can't rely on other people, I've discovered (heck, that's why I hate group projects so much).  People are nice, but I am my own person with my own life and my own agenda. 

So I'm really scared about tomorrow and Thursday and all the days to follow.  But I also can't just sit there waiting for the other foot to drop. 

I'll be okay.  Life moves on. 

Love, Rachel

Everybody knows there's a party at the end of the world

I don't even know what I'm doing, but I had to write all this down and I hope I can empty my thoughts enough to relax.

The school year is finished, I'm home from the End of the Year Gathering, and I have the ACT tomorrow.  That's been my life for the last two weeks.

So, I finished school.  And people graduated.  It's sort of anticlimactic for people to graduate, since they don't even really leave for another couple of months.  You don't have to say goodbye yet, it's more like this coming stomach ache, like, "they're going to leave soon and you can't do anything about it."  So I was sad...and I also wasn't sad.  It's funny.  I'm going to miss people, but it's like it's not yet time to miss them.  I'll check back in in September and see how I'm doing then.  I might be an emotional wreck, I might be fine, who knows.

But yeah, I'm done with school for the year.  Or at least I'm done with tenth grade.  I'm a junior next year, how scary is that?  I'm looking forward to next year.  I have some amazing classes with some amazing people, that's good.  And I'm making more and better friends slowly and surely, that's nice too.

I feel like I should have blogged sooner, I have so much to say and so little time to say it in.  I've been so busy over these last couple of weeks, and I had one of those "Hmm, guess I'll blog...nah..." kind of feeling.

But on to the End of the Year Gathering.  For anyone who doesn't know, it's a meeting of the kids from my online school, and I love it so much.  It sounds stupid I suppose, but my very best friends live thousands of miles away from me.  We have so much in common, and for five days we have the opportunity to connect in person and actually meet each other after chatting and skyping all year.  It's really exhilarating, at least for me, to try to pack in as much as we can in that time.  From Wednesday through Sunday we took over a hotel in Lancaster, PA, and completely went crazy.  I laughed more that weekend than I think I have all year.  I competed in the talent show, that was fun.  We had movie night and cooked pancakes on a tiny stove with no spatula and hung out at midnight on the kids playground and danced the night away and ate so. much. pizza.  And I don't even know how to say it, but I LOVE these kids that I go to school with.  Every single one of them, even the few that drive me insane.  I want to spend my entire life hanging out with them, just doing nothing and doing everything.  It was amazing.  I met people I had been talking to all year, actually met them, and got to hang out with some old friends.  I loved it.  Oh I loved it. 

I can't wait until next May.

 I have the ACT tomorrow and my birthday in a couple of weeks.  I'll be sixteen, which is pretty big, I must admit.  I'm pretty dang excited.  It's going to be great.  So, love to you all.  I'm starting a new chapter (actually I am, since I'm starting a new novel) in my life.  And it's going to be wonderful. 

Edelweiss

I had the chance to go see a sing-along version of the Sound of Music at a park near my house on Friday.  My grandparents and my aunt were in town, so we all went out, brought blankets and food, and when the sun set the hills came alive. 

The Sound of Music is one of my favorite films.  It makes me happy somehow, just to know that everything will be all right every time, that they're going to escape, they have a new life, these children can be happy and so can Maria.  And in a way, I guess, so can I. 

So when Edelweiss started playing, the Captain (who is gorgeous, by the way, something I didn't appreciate when I was younger,) began singing, and I began crying.  I don't think I even realized how much this song means to me.  It was the song I danced do at a ballet recital almost an entire decade ago, with five other little girls.  I don't think I had even seen the film then, or if I did I didn't remember it.  But I thought the song was beautiful. 

Now, you have to understand, that was a very difficult time in my life.  My family had moved away from all of our friends not long ago, I was still trying to get to know people, which is very difficult for a shy seven year old, and we were having some health worries with my little sister.  But this song, it was there, and when I hear it all I can imagine is a little seven year old who wants to dance on her toes someday.  It brings back all those memories, both the good ones and the bad ones.  It reminds me that things will always be better, even if they don't seem like it at the time.  It's cold winters inside and the beginnings of spring and families being there for each other even when no one else will be. 

Edelweiss.  It's just so beautiful. 

but not really anywhere

Lonely little question mark
on a bench in the park:

See the people passing by?
See the airplanes in the sky?
See the birds
flying home
before
dark?

Home's just around
the corner
there--
but not really
anywhere.

--Langston Hughes, 

Kid in the Park

This poem hit me so hard.  It's funny how some poets know exactly what you're feeling, even though you've never met them, and some people seem to know you so well, even though you'll never even touch. 
I just love words, that's all there is to it.

Alice in Wonderland and me

“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."
"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.” 

Alice and Wonderland is one of those books that creeps me out entirely, but this week my sister has been reading it for school and I decided to flip through it again.  And...it's really fascinating.  I used to hate it.  I wouldn't watch the movies, I read it but never really GOT IT, and I just thought it was a bit strange.

But now, somehow, I love the strange.  It's full of impossibilities, and even though it's a terrifying world, it's also a world of hope.  I love the idea that a bored little girl, not unlike me when I was eight or nine, can fall down a hole and instantly be placed in the middle of this adventure.

I love the characters.  I love the way they deal with the insanity around them.  The nonchalant way they react to everything makes me see the world differently, as if they're the right ones and I've been seeing everything upside down the whole time.

Alice's use of logic reminds me of a dream, when you know nothing is right, yet you can't stop yourself from trying to make it make sense, until ultimately you give up and let go.  Alice tries rationalizing with herself, until she finally realizes that her practicality is of no use in this land, with the words, 'So many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.'

Even the last scene, where the red queen and her knights start attacking Alice, she's begun to let go herself so entirely that she can't fully come back to reality, until her life depends on it.  It's so brilliant and clever that you don't realize the transition all across the story, until those few words appear.
'Who cares for you?' said Alice, (she had grown to her full size by this time.) 'You're nothing but a pack of cards!'

 I mean, how great is that?  Alice is a little girl in a strange land trying to make sense of everything, and she learns when to use logic and when to just let go and believe.

I used to think she was such a little, selfish prig, and I hated the way she acted.  But now, taking a closer look, she's really quite clever and someone who I would have liked to have known...even if she drinks out of strange bottles. 

Oh, and why is a raven like a writing desk?  Because Poe wrote on both.

I'll spend my days and nights just dreaming about what we could be

so throw it all away, come down the rabbit hole with me

Now that she's back in the atmosphere with drops of jupiter in her hair...

  

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

This song, Drops of Jupiter by Train, is ridiculously important to me.  

You know how you can hear a song and instantly it can remind you of twenty different things?  You remember where you were when you first heard it, the people you associate it with, and the stage of your life you were in when it first hit you.  

I hate to admit it, but I first heard Taylor Swift's version, from her live cd.  The lyrics captivated me, so I looked up the original and fell in love.  There's something about songs referencing space that fascinates me.  It's like the take you to a whole other dimension in three and a half minutes.  Drops of Jupiter, from the title to the chord progression, instantly became my favorite song.  

Listening to it, I'm taken back to last summer, when I would listen to it at least once a day.  It will forever remind me of ice cream dripping onto suntanned skin, picking strawberries with my friends, and dancing.  As the bridge says,

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me?

I made my best friends last summer, discovered some more about myself, and this song will always remind me of those beautiful times.   

Okay, I should probably stop, I'm beginning to sound OLD.   

But one more thing.  

Last year, I had no clue who I was.  I went through all these different phases and stages and was ultimately unhappy with all of them.  I'm still trying to work everything out, but as I've grown closer to God, he's helped me to truly "discover myself."  Last year, everything was good, but it wasn't perfect.  There was something missing.    

Tell me did you sail across the sun

Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded

And that heaven is overrated 

 

Sometimes what we think we want is nothing more than a fantasy.  Last year, I didn't know what I want.  But this year, I think I do.  And it's really great. 

 And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

My hope is found

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

I've been a bit sad this week.  Not because of anything in particular, but I have this stupid little habit called WORRYING.  And I worry about lots of stuff.  Health for me and my family, the entire stupid messed up crazy world, my friend and relationships, and the biggie this week?  Where I'm going to college and what the everlasting heck I plan to do once I get there. 

I've been a worrier my entire life.  It's something I'd like to control but I can't.  Not on my own, anyway.  And that's where Jesus comes in. 

I finished a Bible study last night, and the last lesson was on Jesus' example.  The one thing I really drew from it was that Jesus is always one step ahead of us.  He sets us an example and from that, we can follow in his footsteps.  He always traverses the way, like a rugged traveler, helping us through difficult places in the trail we walk.  He'll be there forever in front of me, and all I have to do is keep walking. 

It's good to know that someone else has it all under control, since I definitely, one hundred percent never do.  I'm little and dumb and I make stupid mistakes and speak before I think and screw up so much.  But he's always there to guide me onto the right path.  It's what he's been doing since before I was born.  And it's what he'll continue to do for the rest of my life. 

Thank you, Jesus, for everything.  That's really all I can say. 

Happy Easter, everybody. 

When you try your best but you don't succeed

This weekend I went to my little sister's piano recital. 

Okay, let me begin by explaining the situation.  This recital was for everyone who had placed in a competition that occurred a couple of weeks ago, down at a nearby college.  And now I'm going to sound like a spoiled brat when I say, my sister placed, and I didn't. 

Now, I've been really happy for her!  She's worked really hard and deserved it, and she was so thrilled, it was awesome.  But I didn't get as high a score as I usually do, and I guess I was just upset.  I felt like I had been wronged in some way, when in actuality, I just didn't play as well as I should have. 

Looking back over it, I think I've worked out my problem.  You see, I haven't been working as hard.  I'm in a new level this year, Senior 1, and with that comes a line of kids who practice like 27 hours a week and basically do NOTHING BUT PIANO.  And I'm not like that.  I love piano, yes, but it hasn't become my passion.  Or at least, it hasn't become a passion of mine to practice.  I enjoy knowing HOW to play the piano, and I think I've been a bit vain in that respect, but there's a lack of willingness to work for it on my part that's contributed to the outcome of this last competition. 

This year, I'm going to change that.  I'm going to work.  I'm going to practice.  I'm going to stop taking my abilities for granted, because right now they're not helping me through like I'm used to. 

I went into that competition feeling confident.  Overly confident.  I was positive I was going to do fabulous, and when I didn't, it rocked my world.  And not in a good way. 

So I'm going to start over, ask for humility, and utilize hard work.  And hopefully next time will be better.  And even if it isn't, I'll have peace in the fact that I did my best. 

That's really all I could ask for. 

xx

Books! The best weapons in the world!

The above is a quote from Doctor Who, one of my favorite television shows.  In that case of course, the books are LITERALLY weapons, but I love the sentiment expressed.

Books have always been my best friends, from the time I was three years old, until now, thirteen years later.  People leave, things change.  But you can crack open your favorite book and read it, over and over, and know that it never changes. Sometimes that's good.  I like the security that books provide.  I like knowing that nothing is going to jump out at me, and that there will be no unpleasant surprises.  Of course, when you read a book for the first time there is no way to know what will happen, but I have a habit of reading my favorites over and over again.

Because I like books so much, I have a habit of rambling on and on about them, to the point where my family is like, "okay Rachel...we get it...we get ALL of it..." but I really can't help it.  And so, just because I have so many book related emotions, I thought I would talk about them here.  More to follow, of course, but I thought I would talk about the top five books of my short life.  I would say the top five books of all time, but I'm not even sixteen.  There's still tons I haven't read yet. 

1.  Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
This.  Book.  Changed.  My.  Entire.  Life.
That sounds so stupid, rereading it, but seriously.  This was the book that did everything for me.  And believe it or not, I thought it would be immensely boring when I started.
I was an idiot.
Basically, this is my favorite book.  It's funny and romantic and clever and so, so, beautifully written, with characters I absolutely love.  Everyone should read it at least once; I promise it's better than anything you could possibly think of.
“I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of any thing than of a book! -- When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library.” 

2.  The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green
This is the book that makes me want to hug this man for everything, and also punch him straight in the face for ripping out my heart and stamping on it.  It concerns a boy, a girl, cancer, a beautiful book, and Amsterdam.  And there's really nothing more I can say, other than the fact that it made me laugh and cry, all at once.  Not many books do that, and when they do, it's really quite special.
“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”

3.  Inkheart, by Cornelia Funke

Many days I wish I could just jump into a book.  I know tons of people before me have expressed that sentiment, and it's nothing original in that respect, but when I found Inkheart, I think I mentally went, "OHHHH MY GOSH," because it was everything I was looking for.
Inkheart is the story of a girl who learns she and her father have the power to read people, things, and even themselves, into and out of books.  The concept is my favorite part of Inkheart, and it's executed so well.  Plus, the language is beautiful, and the chapters each have an excerpt from a book at the beginning.  This is a book lover's book.  And it's simply magical.
“Stories never really end...even if the books like to pretend they do. Stories always go on. They don't end on the last page, any more than they begin on the first page.” 

4.  The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak
I want to sum this book up, but I don't have the words for it.  Narrated by Death, it tells the story of a German girl and her reactions to World War Two raging around her.  A WARNING:  If you read this book, you will cry for about three weeks.  Yet it will also touch you, very deeply.  It's a risk that must be taken.
“It’s a small story really, about, among other things:
* A girl
* Some words
* An accordionist
* Some fanatical Germans
* A Jewish fist fighter
* And quite a lot of thievery."  

5.  Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Prachett
OH LOOK, IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A BOOK ON THIS LIST THAT DOESN'T BREAK YOUR HEART?  Apparently, yes.  It is.
Good Omens is the most hilarious book I have EVER.  READ.  It's incredible.  It concerns the actions of a fussy angel and an angel who did not so much fall as "saunter vaguely downwards" in their attempts to 1. stop the apocalypse, 2.  find the Antichrist, an eleven year old kid, and 3.  escape relatively intact.  And it's PERFECT.  Not only that, but it's a fascinating look at good and evil that made me stop and actually think.   I loved it.
“DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.”


So there you have it, my dears.  Rachel's top five books of her relatively short life so far.  I hope you enjoy.

xx

You're searching so hard, you've lost yourself...

Hi guys.

I'm Rachel.

I'm 15, I live in North Carolina, and I like writing.

I have another blog, over at theteaspitters.blogspot.com.  That's where I and a few of my friends decided to start a blog about our writing, about what we like to write and why we like to write it.  But after a few weeks, I discovered I wanted my OWN blog, my own little space on the web to think and talk and write.

I think a lot.

And so, I wanted a place just to talk, to talk about milestones in my life, to talk about my writing, to talk about things I'm interested in.   Thus, this blog was born.

The title, "The soul selects her own society" comes from my favorite poem by my favorite poet, Emily Dickinson.  I first read it about a year ago, and something spoke to me.  I haven't been able to get it out of my head since then.  There's something about it that sums up my little world so well.  I think it's beautiful.

The soul selects her own society,
Then shuts the door;
On her divine majority
Obtrude no more.

Unmoved, she notes the chariot's pausing
At her low gate;
Unmoved, an emperor is kneeling
Upon her mat.

I've known her from an ample nation
Choose one;
Then close the valves of her attention
Like stone.

As for the blog url, it comes from my favorite book of the past year, The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green.  If there's any book that has taught me about life, love, and death, it's TFIOS.  Everyone should read it.  It hurts and heals all at once.  It's my dream to write a book like it someday.  In TFIOS, the main character, Hazel, reads the book "An Imperial Affliction," and it changes her world.  The same thing happened to me.  Funnily enough, An Imperial Affliction is also the title of a Dickinson poem as well. 

So this is me.  This is my life.  I'm a bit quiet sometimes and a bit loud sometimes.  I like books and hot tea and puppies and the color yellow and reading in bed and music and being alone with my thoughts.  

I realized not long ago that I was in kind of a rough place when it comes to my life and my walk with God.  Everything was sort of falling apart around me, and in some respects it still is.  Part of my problem was that I didn't have an identity.  I was roaming around, looking for myself, trying to determine what I like and don't like.  There's a quote from the song "Actors" by All Time Low that sums up my situation pretty well.  "You're searching so hard, you've lost yourself."  I lost myself trying to find myself.  Oh the irony. 

With the help of God and my family, I'm getting everything turned around.  Slowly but surely, I'm becoming more like him.  My upmost for His highest, as they say.  And he's helping me, every day.  

I didn't mean for this to remotely become so long, but I'm glad I wrote it.  I hate diaries (I never keep them, EVER), but I wanted a place to come and talk.  

I hope this becomes my special place.  

xx